14.10.17 // Not Going Anywhere

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Today's photo essay is from a sunny Saturday back in March. They have almost nothing to do with what I'm writing today, except to say that these little moments are part of what I love so much about living in Owosso. It's nice to have them recorded and tucked away to pull out on a day like today.

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When I relaunched Rosiechild back in August, I wrote this on the About page:

"It also a challenge to live and work in Owosso: it can be frustrating, lonely, and uncomfortable. I doubt myself, worry that Iā€™m just hiding out here in Owosso, fleeing from my insecurity and missing out on a proper twenty-something life in some other more glamorous American city."

These past few days have been full of that doubt and frustration of which I spoke. Work was hard this week: I had my feelings hurt, my trust broken, my idealism crushed once again. And in my frustration and hurt, I've of course gotten very little work done - the work that is the only reason I'm here, the only reason I'm even working this job.

And on days like these it becomes hard to make any sense of my life. "Wait, what am I doing here again? Why am I in Owosso, working this job, struggling to pay my bills? Am I making any difference at all? Is there any point? I could be living in some other more glamorous place, paying my bills easily, hanging out with like minded people every night of the week. What am I doing?"

I torture myself with those questions and finally arrive at the only possible conclusion, the question that always ends this train of thought:

"Ok, fine. Do it. Leave. Where are you going to go?"

And then I come back to myself. Because of course I'm not going anywhere. Here is where my family is, here is where my church is, here is where I'm growing closer to God. Here is where there is work for me to do, work that is perfectly suited to my spirit and skills. Here is where I'm learning that I am not called to successful, I am called to be faithful.

And even as I type that I don't really believe it. I still want to be successful, and it's a struggle to be faithful when the world is so full of pain.

Which just means that I have a lot more learning and praying to do. Which means that I'm not going anywhere.