I'm experimenting with a new format today, pulling excerpts from my old journals. It's still a story I suppose, a story I wrote to myself six years ago. I'm thinking of making this a regular feature, maybe once every couple weeks, and would love to hear any thoughts you have on it.
Today's journal page is from my first semester at college. The first entry is undated; the second one, which seems to follow the first quite quickly, is dated October 7th, 2011.
In these early weeks of my new life in Detroit, these words jumped out at me. They're not the same experience, but they certainly seem to rhyme.
"For the first bit, this is destined to be mentally quite repetitive - due to the fact that I want to record a lot of thoughts that have been floating around in my head during the first month at Yale. In reality, these feelings are nothing new, they could most accurately be described as reincarnations of feelings I have been dealing with, or more likely not dealing with, since my adolescence. Insecurity, for one, which has most frequently taken the form of poor body image, but more recently developed into a deeper intellectual inferiority complex. Also a fear of loneliness. It seems that no matter how many times I "make new friends", I still have no faith that I will ever again meet people I enjoy being around - people who inspire me, encourage me, whom I can do the same for, and who enrich my life. The unknown elements of my future also seem to surface over and over again. These all seem quite negative, but I don't mean to suggest my life is devoid of joy - it isn't. Combined with those first emotions this first month has also been full of laughter and hugs. Well, enough with the general, that can only be so productive. The root of most of my emotional journey, or at least the most painful part, is centered around one person But i'm done with dwelling on that, I'm moving on."
And then, to flesh out the joy in my life that I reference above, here's an excerpt pulled from the October 7th entry.
"Today was an amazing day, I feel lighter than air. I woke up, got breakfast, and procrastinated in the Saybrook hammock until noon, at which point I went upstairs and read 100 or so pages of the Cholera Years. Then, at 3pm I went Walgreens, bought toothpaste and facewash, and then went to the Art Gallery where I spent an hour or so working on my paper for HSAR112. Then I went to Koffee Too and wrote the first half of my paper. Around 6:30 pm I went back to Saybrook and had dinner - two bowls of soup and some bread. We ate outside, which was nice. Then I went to the Saybrook library and continued to get a lot done - I started typing up my history notes. At 10pm we sang "Wannabe" w/ Austin Bech. It was such a wonderful, productive, beautiful day."