I didn't get anything done yesterday.
Or at least, that's what it felt like.
That is, of course, not true.
It just feels like that because I blew off the four hours of office work that I had scheduled. And blowing off work always makes me feel lazy and lame and weak and stupid.
Which isn't particularly helpful or wise.
Blowing off work means exactly one thing: it means I blew off work.
It mean that one particular task (or tasks) didn't get done.
Unfortunately, my tiny little guilt ridden puritanical lizard brain thinks that blowing off work means it's the END OF THE WORLD AND I'M WORTHLESS AND I'LL NEVER ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING EVER.
It's no wonder that I spent at least a few hours yesterday just sitting around. listening to my lizard brain, feeling murky and woozy.
Now, I certainly don't want to get into the habit of blowing off work; I don't want to practice breaking my word to myself.
I also don't want descend into a hopeless shit storm of self loathing every time my day doesn't go exactly the way I scheduled it.
Which bring me to one of those difficult questions: How can I practicing self improvement, self discipline, and self compassion?
I'm not sure yet, but I've come up with some tricks.
When I get bummed about breaking my word to myself, I stop dead in my tracks. I acknowledge what happened: "What did I do, or not do?. I acknowledge the impact: "Who was hurt by this? (myself included). And finally, I plan any needed corrective action: "Standing here, in this moment, letting go of the past, letting go of what I did or didn't do, what is there to do now?"
I run that play in my mind, and then meditate for a bit to clear out all the mental junk.
Then, just for good measure, I remind myself of all the great thing that I did or didn't do during the day.
For instance, yesterday, in addition to blowing off my work, I also:
- Bought four shirts and two pants at local thrift stores that really spruced up my wardrobe.
- Then I added those clothes to my wardrobe, making room for them my getting rid of stuff I don't wear a lot.
- I took my little sister and her friend to the thrift store with me and gave them each a $5 allowance. Fun stuff :)
- I played Apples to Apples with my little sister and her friend.
- My little sister, my little brother, and I gave my mom her birthday present, which she absolutely loved.
- I bought some veggies and a plant at the local farmers market.
- I brought two friend of mine to Flushing for an open mic night where my friend Chelsea's new band "LoveGood".
- I resisted driving to Staples to buy a journal and decided instead to make my own!
I feel better already.
Not a fool proof system, and I still end up in the shit storm of self loathing sometimes. I am getting better, though.
Give me a couple more centuries, I'll have it down pat :)